Why is Motherhood so Lonely?

Have you ever used the term “lonely” to describe your feelings of motherhood? If so, you are not alone. One recent survey indicated that 28% of new mothers experience loneliness after giving birth. The sense of feeling alone does seem contradictory given the fact that becoming a mother means you are NEVER ALONE…. like EVER! You learn to multi-task with a baby in one arm, you can read a story while sitting on the toilet, you can sneak in a 2-minute shower while still listening for your baby, grocery shop with a baby in a wrap, empty the dishwasher while breastfeeding (this one is harder but doable), and so much more. Even when you are not with your little ones you are still thinking about them.

So, why do we feel so lonely after becoming a mom?

The Roots of Loneliness Project defines Motherhood Loneliness as occurring due to moms feeling isolated after becoming a parent and results from spending long periods alone with a baby. They state that the moment you realize your life has changed completely and irreversibly from your old self to somebody’s mom, is when feelings of loneliness begin to emerge and can occur during pregnancy, shortly after birth, or months later.

There are many contributing factors to motherhood loneliness, but psychiatrist Daniel Stern says it best with his statement “becoming a mother is an identity shift, and one of the most significant physical and psychological changes a woman will ever experience. Think about it, so many things change including your relationships, interests, goals, and social life. Your fun, wine-filled, laughing till your cheeks hurt Fridays have turned into the witching hour where you can’t get your baby to stop crying no matter what you do and all you want is to drink a bottle of wine so you can finally GET.SOME.SLEEP. Yes, this time of your life most definitely can feel lonely and isolating!

Let’s talk more about isolation. I know this is something that led to my own personal loneliness in motherhood. I couldn’t take it anymore being at home alone with a baby, but I could not bear the thought of getting everything ready (by everything I mean putting on jeans) to leave the house. “You have to get out and go for a walk” I was told. O.K., that sounds awful considering a bowling ball came out of my vagina not long ago. “Go meet some other mom friends” was another good line I often heard. I think we seriously need a dating app for mom friends. Hey, I might actually be on to something there. All jokes aside, it is really hard to actually get out and enjoy the outing when you are feeling lonely, and this leads to more isolation.

Now that we understand motherhood loneliness and isolation is normal and common, what can we do about it. We have some friendly, mom-to-mom advice for you on this one:

1. Go for the walk. I know, I know, I just said it is annoying when people say that. Start with one walk a week even just to get some fresh air. If you are too uncomfortable to walk, try sitting on your deck or out in the yard for 5 or 10 minutes. A little change in scenery can make a big difference.

2. Create a “mom friend” dating app! Joking! Try and find other moms who are in the same stage as you. This makes a world of difference when you can be in each others company and know how motherhood feels at that time. The Nurtured Baby Tea + Talks are the perfect place to come and connect. You don’t even need to wear jeans, just come as you are.

3. Connect with other moms online! The Nurtured Baby Facebook page has specific groups you can join for the year your baby is born. This keeps the age groups similar and allows you to connect with somebody at the same stage as you!

4. Do something for yourself once a week, preferably without the baby if you can. This can be going for a drive to grab a coffee, going to a driving range, hitting up the mall to just browse, video calling your bestie with a cup of tea or glass of wine, making it to a yoga class, or anything that gives you a sense of being you.

5. Give yourself grace! I can’t stress this enough. The expectations you had about motherhood versus the reality of it are often not the same and this is NOT because you are a bad mom. This is because little ones are really hard sometimes and that is o.k.

We want you to understand that feeling lonely is common and you don’t have to walk this journey alone. There are many joys to motherhood, but we know that it is not always glitter and rainbows. Sometimes, it sucks! Yep, I said it and I won’t take it back. It really is important to build a tribe around you if you can and the goal for The Nurtured Baby is to be part of that tribe. Check out our Facebook page and follow our event calendar today!

Written by Hailee Schollaardt